Baron Jose Gruda: You may be over-confident, Captain Vallo. There are 200 of the King’s marines aboard this vessel. Vallo: And only 20 pirates. That puts the odds slightly in my favour. Better surrender the ship.
Consuelo: You are a fighter. Fight with us. Fight for something decent. Vallo: Not I. All my life I’ve watched injustice and dishonesty fly the flag of decency. I don’t trust it.
Humble Bellows: Be that bit of fluff El Libre? Vallo: That’s the bit of fluff that’s taking us to him.
Humble Bellows: Meantime, we got regular pirate business to settle. We got the plank, the culprit and the verdict. All we need’s a trial, an execution and a sentence. Humble Bellows: So much for the trial. Now for execution.
Humble Bellows: There goes a good pirate, Stub Ear, to sell his wares like a fish peddler. Meaning no disrespect to the skipper, of course. Stub Ear: And us, with a price on our heads, hove to in one of His Majesty’s ports like sitting ducks. Poison Paul: But if the skipper pulls us through again, we’ll be the ducks what laid the golden eggs. Humble Bellows: Ye be thinking of geese, if you’ll pardon the correction, Poison Paul. Geese… on a wild goose chase.
Pablo Murphy: This one Pablo Murphy: can’t talk and this one Pablo Murphy: can’t keep quiet.
Vallo: Gather round, lads and lasses, gather round.
Vallo: If I did a thing like that, you wouldn’t need the guns I want to sell you. I’m a pirate, mate, not a dog killer!
Vallo: Why did you bolt your cabin door last night? Consuelo: If you knew it was bolted you must have tried it. If you tried it, you know why it was bolted.
Vallo: You’ve sold me Humble Bellows – and to a king’s flunky! Humble Bellows: Aye. ‘Tis my modest opinion that no man can fly pirate colors who’s not willing to sell his friend, his sweetheart, or his mother. Baron Jose Gruda: Well spoken, Mr. Bellows. Vallo: Foul spoken it is, Humble Bellows. You’ve turned your hand against your captain’s back. Yellow was never a pirate’s colour.
Becky: I don’t want to talk about Leroy! Otis: Okay, we don’t have to talk about him! You hungry? Becky: Yeah. Otis: Good, I’m hungry too. I wonder if Leroy’s hungry. (laughs)
Becky: I love you, Henry. Henry: I guess I love you too.
Henry: Fuck the Bears.
Henry: Guns are easy to get… I can make a phone call and get a gun. – anybody can get a gun, Otis.
Henry: If you shoot someone in the head with a .45 every time you kill somebody, it becomes like your fingerprint, see? But if you strangle one, stab another, and one you cut up, and one you don’t, then the police don’t know what to do. They think you’re four different people. What they really want, what makes their job so much easier, is pattern. What they call a modus operandi. That’s Latin. Bet you didn’t know any Latin, did you kid? Otis: Big fucking deal. Henry: What? Otis: Nothing. Henry: It’s like a trail of shit, Otis. It’s like the blood droppings from a deer you shot, and all they’ve got to do is follow those droppings, and pretty soon, they’re going to find their deer. Otis: Why don’t you use a gun? Henry: You can use a gun. I’m not saying you can’t use a gun. Just don’t use the same gun twice.
Henry: It’s always the same and it’s always different.
Otis: I’d like to kill somebody.
Otis: Where you going? Henry: Nowhere – you wanna come?
Harry: You found my treasure? Why didn’t you tell me? Lloyd Christmas: Three words: I did.
Jessica’s Dad: Oh, my God. Shit everywhere. There’s shit everywhere! Damnit! There’s shit on the windows! Oh, my God! My house is full of shit! He shit everywhere! Look what he did! He shit all over the walls! There’s shit everywhere!
Lloyd Christmas: Chicks are for fags!
Lloyd Christmas: Somebody chipped my tooth! Harry: How do you think I feel? Somebody bit me in the forehead!
Lloyd Christmas: There’s gonna be chicks all over us. It’s gonna be so faggy I don’t think I can stand it.
Lloyd Christmas: You know you’re the first person I ever brought here, Harry? Harry Dunne: Is this your special place? Lloyd Christmas: No, I just usually eat in the crapper. Saves time. You know, out with the old, in with the new.
Lloyd: No! Wait – save it for the Tooth Fairy. Harry: I happen to know for a fact that my mother is the Tooth Fairy. Lloyd: No way! Your mom’s the Tooth Fairy? Harry: Yeah, she flies around at night while I’m asleep. Lloyd: Well nice to meet you. I’m Lloyd Christmas. Harry: Well, I’ll be. Here I am bragging about how my mom’s the Tooth Fairy and you’re dad’s Santa Claus!
Mrs. Dunne: Time for bed. Lloyd Christmas: Can I be on top? Harry: Only if I can be on bottom. Lloyd Christmas: Alright!